The Private Journal Strikes Back
by Rubine Goslay
Summary: Last chapter up! Follows Tonks through Book 6. Sequel to The Private Journal of NT. Major HBP spoilers, NTRL. Angsty goodness followed by fluffy goodness! Please R & R!
1. Fall

**The Private Journal Strikes Back**

AN- Rated M for saftey. Contains adult themes, alcohol use, and mild sexual situations. No course language or violence.

Please R & R!

Chapter One- Fall

August 

Wotcher, Journal. It's been a month, so here we are again. You do need to be updated, don't you? Fudge has been sacked, and after everything that's happened, even Trelawney could have seen that one coming. We've got a new minister now, you'll never guess who.

Scrimgeour. That's right, the bloke who sacked me last year. Obscene, isn't it? Yes, I got a full pardon and everything, but even so, can't help but to hold on to a tiny little grudge.

There's other news, but it's not good. Actually, it's worse, much worse. You know how well Remus and me have been getting along, quite well as a matter of fact. At least, we were until...

We had been seeing so much of each other, we were communicating, cuddling, flirting, it was excellent. He was finally starting to open to me. I had the feeling he was about to make it official any day, which is what I've wanted desperately for ages. And then...and then Dumbledore gave him that damn order.

Dumbledore asked Remus to live with the werewolves. He sent him to walk amongst them and be our spy. I found out when he asked me to meet him at the Leaky Cauldron one Saturday.

You can imagine my excitement, for some reason, I thought it was going to be good news. I found him there, and we grabbed a table. We sat down and he reached over to take my hand. He was looking into my eyes. I could feel my heart beating faster. He said my name. I said yes and I closed my eyes, waiting anxiously for the best, and I got the worst. He told me he was going away on a mission and that he could not see me anymore.

I was devastated. I was torn apart... though part of me knows that there is war going on, and I know Remus must do what he can for the cause. And part of me wanted to sod the war, and hold on to him and not let go. But I couldn't, and he couldn't either. I feel rather numb.

He left the day Emmeline was murdered to go live amongst 'his kind'. Yes, Emmeline is dead. She was killed by a Death Eater. We don't even really know why, or how they found her.

I've only seen Remus once since then. There was a scuffle between the werewolves and the wizards. A pack had broken into the Ministry, meaning to destroy all their files in the Department of Part-Human relations. If they had got to that information, it would have leveled our ability to keep tabs on them.

It was in the middle of the night. Dumbledore sent Kingsley and me to stop them. A poor choice, the man knows almost everything, but he doesn't know how I feel about Remus. I didn't want to go, but I had to, it being my duty and all. I thought about telling him, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. They arrived shortly after we did and the idiots ignored the intruder charms, so we knew they were there immediately, and were able to head them off.

I wasn't that worried because it wasn't the full moon, and the hard-core werewolves generally consider themselves above wand use. I can handle killers.

Unfortunately, Remus was there, just as I feared. He was on his side, and I was on mine, and there was nothing I could do about it. Here I was facing the man I love in battle. I could not even reveal that I knew him, or I would compromise his cover.

I drew my wand and stunned the werewolf next to him, while Kingsley cursed a few more. I couldn't help it, I paused for just a second after stunning another prowler, to chance a look at Remus. A werewolf took that opening and slugged me right in the face. I heard him growling with satisfaction as I wiped blood away.

Kingsley drew in and stunned him. It was just the three of us then, left standing in the room. Checking that no werewolves were watching, Remus strode over to me, concern flashing in his eyes. He asked if I was ok, and out of a deep, hidden pocket, he withdrew his wand and placed it at my nose. "Episkey," he whispered, and it healed my broken nose. I must try to remember that one.

Kingsley was looking wearily at him and said, "You know what I've got to do, mate?" Remus nodded and I watched him fall to the floor under a shower of red sparks.

And that was the last time I saw him. I think Kingsley must have said something to Dumbledore, because I've been banned from all future werewolf conflicts. Also, Kingsley must have stunned Remus only temporarily, because he was among those who got away. Off to continue his work, away from me.

I've been so depressed. I woke up this morning to find I'd shifted back to my normal state in my sleep. I tried to morph, but I couldn't. I'm stuck like this now. Oddly enough, I find that I don't care. I can't be with Remus, and nothing else matters.

September

Hey, Journal. Still can't morph, still don't care. I've got a new post. Dumbledore sent me to live in Hogsmeade to watch over the school. I've moved out of number four, and into a flat above the Hogs Head. It's nice and cheap, and boasts a plentiful supply of alcohol just downstairs, so it's not that bad.

I started today, they had me on guard at the Hogsmeade Station. Good thing, too. I noticed Harry hadn't gotten off the train, so I went on board to look for him. He must have got in a fight, I found him frozen and bleeding underneath an invisibility cloak. Poor kid. I got him up, and helped him off the train. I used the spell Remus had used on me to fix his nose.

I escorted him to the school, and sent a Patronus ahead to fetch Hagrid. It's changed, my Patronus. Remus is my only thought now, happy or sad.

I think Harry noticed, but he didn't say anything. Snape came instead of Hagrid, which disappointed us. Snape also observed it that it had changed, but was unkind enough to make a remark about it. The greasy git just had to comment on it! You know, someone really should inform him that we're all working on the same damn side, and it wouldn't kill him to be a bit nicer. Asshole.

Anyway, once Harry was safe at Hogwarts, I wandered back into town and back into my miserable little flat. Proudfoot, Savage, and Dawlish are all stationed here, too. They are all Aurors from my department. Savage said something about the lot of us getting together on Saturday for some drinks. I don't think I'll go. I haven't been much for company, lately.

The only person who seems to understand what I'm going through is Molly. She's really been there for me, been something like a cross between a mother and a best friend. I've been over at the burrow, a fair few times already.

I've told Molly every thing, every sordid detail. She's really a great listener. She's really quite keen to be privy to my love life, or rather, complete lack there of. It does a lot for me to know that she's on my side. She really thinks we're a smart match, and as the mother of seven, and in a happy marriage for decades, her confidence means so much, even if at the moment I'm getting no where.

I have not contacted Remus, nor has he contacted me. I would not do anything to endanger him or his mission, even if it means sacrificing my happiness. There are bigger things going on now.

October

Halloween is almost here, and it doesn't bring a shred of joy to me. It used to be my favorite holiday, and now it means nothing.

A girl from Hogwarts, Katie Bell, has fallen prey to a cursed necklace. Don't know how it happened, I'm ashamed to say, none of us stationed here has a clue. We had a meeting last night to discuss it. It's a shame, an embarrassment even, we're here to keep watch over the school and no one knows what the bloody hell is going on even in the spot we're situated. Dumbledore says she'll be all right, eventually. Time heals all wounds, right?

I saw Harry earlier that day. He'd caught old Dung with a load of stuff from Sirius's house. Didn't sit too right with him, no I wouldn't expect it to. I think...I think if I cared about anything anymore it would have bothered me too. But old Dung, he's just a thief, and he was just doing what thieves do best, look after themselves. In a world like this, it's hard to argue against it. If you care about other people, where does it get you? Where has it gotten me? Living alone in a cheap flat, with nothing to do but work. But it's not really that. It's this bloody war. It's him, he who must not be named. He's the source of all this, when you boil it right down. If it wasn't for him, I could have been rejected for any other of another of his reasons...he's too old, meaning I'm too young, he's too dangerous, meaning I'm not smart enough, he's too poor, meaning I'm not rich enough. God damn it. God damn him. God damn me.

November 

Same business. No word from Remus. Molly says I should just focus on my work. I'm trying to, I know it's important, but none of us can figure out how it all happened to the Bell girl. No one knows how she got a hold of that damn necklace, or who gave it to her. It's funny how the world has gotten more harsh and complicated, and I haven been given the wits or wherewithal to adapt. It's only adding to my self-loathing, really. Maybe my folks were right. Maybe I shouldn't have become an auror. But it wouldn't have changed a thing, the war would still be here, only it would have had one less goodie on their side. I hope it makes a difference, these days, hope is all I have.

Christmas is approaching, another reason to be depressed. Molly's invited me over of course, but Remus is going to be there, and for some reason, I don't feel like forcing my company on him. If he wants to see me, let him seek me out. Knowing where he stands, it seems as likely as Ron getting drafted for the Chudley Cannons. Anyway, I have Christmas plans with this very lovely Muggle chap by the name of Jim Beam. I've come to prefer Muggle whiskey, it doesn't burn the same as ours. Cheers.

Yours eternally,

N.Tonks


	2. Winter

Chapter Two-Winter 

December 

Hazaar! Tis' Christmas, am enjoying the company of Messers Jim Beam and Johnny Walker. Chur. Have ignored all invitations, Molly, Mum, co-wizards, will enjoy being on my own on the most miserable day of the year, apart from maybe Valentines Day. Bloody Hell, who could that be at the door...

Oh my God. It was Remus. I still can't believe it. The blighter actually came to see me. He said Molly said I'd be on my own. I just can't believe it, I wasn't expecting any company at all, least of which Remus. He brought me loads of food from the Weasley's, and after seeing how thin I've got (depression can do some bloody miracles) he insisted I eat with him. He seemed guarded at first, but he asked how I was doing. I didn't exactly lie, but I told him I was doing well. Ok, it was a lie.

He said that no one should be alone on Christmas, least of which a pretty girl like me. Yeah, my mousy brown hair is really pretty. Still, it was kind of him to say.

I didn't know how to act around him at all. How does one act around someone you love but who cannot or does not want to be with you yet shows up on Christmas Day looking all concerned and forlorn? Very confusing. My flat was in no state for entertaining, so I stored the leftovers and we nipped over to the Three Broomsticks for a proper Christmas meal. Remus had already eaten, but by the look of him, he could stand to eat a bit more as well.

It was actually quite romantic and cozy there. We got a nice quiet table for two, and Madam Rosmerta brought us a carafe of nettle wine first, a lone wax candle sitting between us. He told me everything, everything he's been doing since he left. As he did so, the weariness seemed to ebb from his eyes, as if he was relieving himself of a great burden. I was just lamenting in my head how nice it would be for me to alleviate myself of similar burdens, to tell him how much I'd missed him, and how badly I wanted to shag him when he reached across the table to hold my hand. My heart stopped and he looked into my eyes.

"Dora. I've missed you so. But," there was a huge pause in which we just looked at each other. "What's happened to your hair?" It might not have been that funny, but it was just the tension breaker that we needed, and we both had a good laugh, even if I did so in spite of myself. He said he'd liked the bubble gum pink, and even the violet shade I'd sported, but I didn't have the heart to tell him I couldn't morph anymore. The laughter died out gradually and he turned serious for a moment. After contemplating the hand he held in his, he turned his gaze on me, our eyes locked. "You know if things were different, I mean, if it wasn't for..."

Then Hagrid came bursting in, singing a carol at the top of his voice. By the look of it, he'd had his share of wine as well. Remus took his hand away and looked a little sheepish. It makes me wonder, does he not want to be with me because of him or me? It's kind of a pointless question, I know the biggest problem is just the whole situation.

I told him what I was up to with the order, and he nodded almost as if it was all redundant information. Makes me wonder if Dumbledore told him, or if he'd asked. He inquired about my health, saying I was looking peaky, and of course I replied the same could be said about him. He laughed, his eyes sparkling. God, he's beautiful. We caught up on all subjects, work, family. It was so lovely to be in his company again. I just love being around him, and I swear he feels the same about me. I've never seen him light up around anyone else the same. Could be my mad imagination.

After our meal was finished and all wine carafes emptied, he walked me back to my flat. It was late and dark, the moon hung safely in the sky at half, stars glittered along side, and a light snow was drifting down silently, silver and glowing in the moonlight. At my door I took off my cloak and shook my hair, snowflakes matting it to my forehead. Remus reached out to brush it away, his hand lingering for the slightest of moments on my cheek. He suddenly seemed very close. Unable to stop myself, I reached for his shoulder and pulled him to me. He made the slightest noise, one of a man straining to hang on to the last of his reserve. I said his name.

"Dora, please, you know we can't," he said, not looking at me properly but his hand already at my hip, his thumb stroking the waistband of my jeans. "We've been over this. I'm too old, too poor, and too bloody dangerous, you deserve someone better." His voice was very hoarse and his hands were on me as if they were acting of their own accord, having freed themselves of his control. He was so close, I inhaled his wonderful woodsy, musky scent that I'd missed so much.

"I don't care," I breathed, "We can overcome all that, Remus, I, I love you!" I can't believe I said it, I didn't mean to let it slip. I could feel the energy of his heart surging close to mine, his face transported into a world of sudden, unexpected, unforeseen, impossible ecstasy. He grabbed me, the tiniest of moans escaped his lips before he drew down to kiss me. It was fast, desperate, and immeasurably passionate. His stubble felt glorious, as I tasted him for the first time. He kissed me before, last Christmas, but that was friendly and chaste, not like this kiss at all. It was as if he was kissing my soul.

Then, as quickly as it had started, it ended. He tore himself away, turned, and stumbled out the door. I think I heard him say "I'm sorry" before he disapperated. Just like that. A 'pop' and he was gone.

I stood dazed, disorientated. I glanced at an empty bottle of whiskey on the floor and wondered if it had all been some extraordinary, horrible hallucination, but no. I could still feel the lingering sensation of his lips on mine, his taste still dancing on my tongue, his stubble scrapping my cheek. I reached up and touched my face, dumbfounded. For a second I thought I would faint. I limped over to my bed and sank into it, reality diffusing around me.

January

'Lo. Happy bloody New Year. I spent the first night with my old mates in London. It was the first time I'd seen them in ages. It was nice to catch up, but I could have done with out their sympathetic stares and constantly asking me what's wrong. They know the gist of the situation, not all the details, I couldn't tell them everything, security and all. 'Constant vigilance.' Whatever.

They say I should just forget about him and move on with my life. Maybe not bad advice in normal circumstances, but they just don't get that I really love him. He's perfect for me, he's smart, sincere, loyal, experienced, powerful, and dead sexy. I could bring so much joy into his life, and him to mine, if he'd only let me. I received a letter from him a few days ago. Want to see it? He wrote it in a code we made up last year, I already deciphered it. Here it is...

"Dear Nymphadora,

I wish to apologize most heartily for my actions of the previous week. It was quite wrong and highly inappropriate of me and I'm sorry. You are a beautiful, talented young lady and I believe it to be in your best interest to seek affections from someone worthy of you. I am far too dangerous to be near you, it is unthinkable, and I would never be able to forgive myself if I was responsible for the contamination someone of your potential and value to the wizarding community. Furthermore, I am too impoverished to ever keep you living in the manner that you deserve. I wish you nothing but the best of health and happiness.

Your truly,

Remus"

Bastard. I keep reading it over and over, I keep checking the code to make sure I've got it right. How can he be sorry he kissed me? The bigger question is, how can I have in my hands on such overwhelming evidence that he doesn't want me, how ever nice and avoidant he tries to say it, yet I still have this damn hope in my heart. Yes, I still have hope for us, a hope I cannot extinguish. Don't know why.

It makes me think of Sirius, God I miss him. I can't say exactly what he would say, but I bet he'd be taking my side. He put a lot of stock into guts, you know, intuition. I wish I could talk to him. Hell, I wish he could talk to Remus, maybe he could talk some sense into him. His stupid letter made it sound like I'm some bloody princess that should just sit around and wait for some stupid prince. Why can't he get it through his skull that he's the one I want? Don't I get a say in this? Don't I get to choose?

It was the kiss. It's the kiss that's giving me hope, even if he said he was sorry for it.

Gods, anyway, work is ok, if not rather boring. Proudfoot, Savage, Dawlish, and I have near daily meetings, but we still don't know how it all happened to Katie Bell. Poor girl, she's still in hospital.

February 

Oh goodie, it's Valentines Day, the most dreaded day of the year for young single persons such as myself. Sadly, I got the obligatory Valentine from Mum, and a few from my mates, urging me to cheer up and move on, as it were. Also, I received a rather odd an unexpected gift, a bar of chocolate send up from Honeydukes, with no note or name attached. I don't think I'll eat it (what would Mad Eye say) but it reminds me of Christmas two years ago now when Remus gave everyone a bar. Some running joke, I think, that I wasn't in on. Could it be from him? I've no idea. Can't let my wishes let me be suckered into being poisoned. Constant vigilance. Yet I think I'll keep it around, it's sort of nice to fantasize that it's from Lupin. Also, I did a few spells to check, it's not dangerous or hiding any secrets.

I haven't written back to him, what could I say? I accept your stupid, self-defeating reasons for us not being together? He's still among the werewolves, as far as I know, and as I've said before, I'd never do anything to compromise that. I think him receiving an owl, even coded, might be a little suspicious. That community is so private. I worry about him constantly. And no, I still can't morph, and yes, I still don't care.

I've been getting the Daily Prophet to check the news, nothing on him yet, thankfully. Still, I worry that something could happen to him. These are dangerous times. Even if he doesn't want to be with me, I don't care, as long as he's safe. I hear only whispers and probably half-truths of what's really going on and it kills me that I have no idea if the man I love is shielded. It's making me mad, more mad than just not being with him, or any of that silly stuff. This is no game, I realize that now more than ever.

Yours,

N. Tonks

AN- Look, I know it's not an exact science, but I swear I can write faster when I get more reviews. Praise and constructive criticism equally appreciated, thank you.


	3. Spring

Chapter Three- Spring

AN- Just so you know, I have only four chapters planned for this story, as I have lumped the months into seasons, so expect only one more. If I choose to do a third installemnt, it will be called Return of the Private Journal.

March

Dear Journal,

More bad news, it never ends. Ron Weasley, Harry's best mate, almost died on his birthday. He was poisoned by a bottle of mead from Slughorn's office. Another mysterious little accident. Luckily, Harry shoved a bezoar in his mouth and saved his life. I think he's still in the hospital wing, but he's going to be ok.

I went to see Molly after she came back from Hogwarts, to try and comfort her, as she's done for me so many times. Arthur had already plied her with tea and whiskey, a smart move, I think. She was far from calm, but seemed under control. I told her everything I could think of to make her feel better, assuring her as she had already know that her Ron was going to be all right.

The poor woman, she's suffered so much. This is the third of her family in recent years to come so close to death, Ginny in her second year at Hogwarts, and her husband in the last. It makes me think of when she confronted that boggart back in Grimauld Place. She saw her worst nightmare come to life, all her kin lying dead at her feet. Remus had consoled her, he is so kind.

Did you know she'd lost two brothers to You-Know-Who? Gideon and Fabian Prewett. Mad-Eye told me about them, said they were the best wizards of their age, and that they died like heroes. It took five Death Eaters to finish them. I know Molly is proud of them, but I also know it's made her all the more weary of loss. How could it not? She would in fact be a fool to not be worried, I think.

Eventually, after a few more cups of fortified tea, Molly finally relaxed. Unexpectedly, she turned the topic of conversation on me and asked about Remus. I sighed heavily, because I hadn't told her yet any of the events that had happened on Christmas. I'd thought about telling her, but something about it made me feel like keeping it private. Yet, I let a tiny smile play around my mouth, knowing she'd enjoy hearing the tale. I thought that after the day she'd had, it might cheer her up to be in on it. And yes, I was also interested in hearing her opinion.

I told her everything, and despite my initial reluctance, I found myself enjoying telling her, it was actually relieving to get it off my chest and get it out into the open. But to my disappointment, her look was not encouraging as usual as I had expected, but had returned to wearied disquiet. I asked her what was wrong, and she said it could be nothing, but that no one's heard from Remus since his Christmas outing. I stood up at once, alarmed, Molly threw her arms out, saying it could mean nothing at all, that it could be normal. He was after all, undercover.

But he was supposed to be living among the werewolves, right? He'd chanced a few hours out to visit everyone for Christmas, then risked even more to come see me in Hogsmeade. A horrible sense of guilt rushed into my stomach. If something had happened to him, it would be all my fault.

Apparently, the owl he sent me was the last time he'd contacted anybody. Molly tried pointlessly to settle me, saying there was no reason to worry, because if something had gone wrong, Dumbledore would have known.

But what if he didn't? He sent me into that mission back in August not knowing about how I felt for Remus. The man is great, there's no doubt, but what if something went wrong and he doesn't know? What if they're holding him captive or something? I lied to Molly, as I had lied to everyone else and I told her I would be fine, and that I wouldn't fret, at the same time, mentally resolving to contact Dumbledore as soon as possible.

How could I be so stupid? If only I hadn't been so stubborn, if only I had gone to the burrow for Christmas, the Remus wouldn't have gone looking for me. God, if he's hurt, or worse, it's all my bloody fault.

April 

I talked it over with Proudfoot, Savage, and Dawlish. To my dismay, they have heard rumors about unrest in the werewolf community. Apparently, they had some kind of internal uprising, that was quickly extinguished when Greyback attacked the upstart. I felt my heart stop at this, my body becoming light and weak, my vision fuzzy, I found myself forgetting to even breathe.

Trying to be brave, I struggled to engage in the rest of our meeting, straining hard not to think about Remus. I'd already let my emotions compromise my work, I couldn't keep making a habit of that no matter how I felt.

This has been the most challenging year of my life in many ways, more difficult by far than Hogwarts, or Auror training, or anything. Having to be strong in the face of so much adversary has both strengthened and diminished me. The hardest part is Remus, being away from him, not knowing if he's safe. I think of him every waking moment. In a way, he's my reason to go on.

Even if he doesn't want me, I need to do everything I can to make sure the world will become safe again for someone as good as him to live in. Not just to be alive, but to live properly, and to have a normal life, with all the wonderful things I used to take for granted. Security, freedom, a nice creamy scoop of Florean's ice cream. They time when my life was normal seems like another lifetime ago. Nothing is normal now.

War is hell.

We think that someone is trying to kill Dumbledore. Before Katie was cursed, she'd said she had to bring the necklace to someone. The poisoned mead in Slughorn's study was meant for Dumbledore. It's a theory in progress, you might say. Whoever is doing it all is very sloppy indeed, doesn't seem to be too concerned about who they hurt, making them even more dangerous.

The other theory is that it's a Death Eater who is carrying out what he believes to be pranks, but instead of targeting Muggles, has taken to harming the innocent. But as the victims have both been students, maybe it's a throw at Dumbledore.

I've been reading the paper everyday. They seem to be a bit behind. Dung was arrested for impersonating an inferius a month ago, and it's only shown up in the Prophet last week. Stupid git. He's done even more damage in endangering the Order than I have, and that's saying something.

I did owl Dumbledore as soon as I got home from the burrow that day. When he didn't reply, I owled him again, and when I found that reply wholly placatory and unsatisfactory, I marched into the school to see him, but he wasn't there.

I ran into Harry. I was so frustrated at Dumbledore not being there, and worried about Remus, thinking about the rumors I'd heard that I didn't even know what he was saying. To my embarrassment, I found myself starting to well up so I had to say goodbye to him.

I hurried home so I could cry in private. I miss him so much. It kills me to not know where he is, to not know if he's unharmed or even alive. It's not about moving on anymore, it's not about romance at all. It's about protecting the lives of the innocent. I am still depressed, but more determined than ever to do my work in the Order.

May

No word from anyone about Remus. I feel dead inside.

It's been five months now since he kissed me, yet I can still feel his lips on mine. His smell, his memory haunts me every moment. Every heartbeat, I feel him, I miss him. I've never been so miserable in my entire life. I don't even know if he's still alive. I'm not even so sure I am. Can you call this a life?

Katie Bell is back in school, but she doesn't remember anything that happened to her. We still think she meant to give that necklace to Dumbledore, but we've gathered no proof. I live in a world now with only questions, and no answers.

I'm a shadow of my former self. I sort of miss having crazy hair, but I've long since lost the ability to change it. It hangs now lank and limp and I don't even care. I used to love changing it everyday. I used to enjoy going from a turquoise buzz cut to having it long and tomato red. I don't remember anymore why I thought that was so much fun. I remember changing faces at dinner for the kids, but I don't remember why.

When I first discovered that I was a metamorphmagus, it was like a dream come true. Imagine, being able to change shape or form at anytime. It was such a treasured gift. Now it's gone and I don't even care. Or maybe it's just the least of my worries.

My mates have all but forgotten about me, all carrying on with their simple, unperturbed lives in London, not a care in the world. It seems like another lifetime ago when I hung out with them, when I hadn't a care either. Yet I'm still here. Still reading the news everyday, still watching the sky for owls. I only leave my flat now to attend meetings, it's gotten so bad. No one knows where Remus is, though they all try to tell me that no news is good news.

I've spent countless tortured hours debating whether I should send Remus an owl or not. I haven't because I've decided that if I did, it could be the proverbial nail in his coffin. If I send him an owl, it would only be to quell my fears, and it wouldn't do anything to help him.

Every night I pray, and every day my prayers go unanswered, but instead of stopping me, it only makes me pray harder.

I'm quite sure that I've lost my mind.

Yours Insanely,

N. Tonks

AN- I do this all for free and fun, but if you're reading this, pleased take the time to pay me with a review.


	4. Storm Interlude

Chapter Four- Songfic Interlude- Storm

AN- I came across a song by Lifehouse, Storm (On their most recent album) and I thought it would be just perfect for a song-fic interlude. Enjoy! Story will continue as normal next chapter. Song lyrics will be written _in italics_.

Storm- by Lifehouse

_How long have I been in this storm?  
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
Water's getting harder to tread  
With these waves crashing over my head_

Nymphadora Tonks lay cover-less on her bed in her sad, ill kept flat above the Hogs Head. It was a Saturday night, a soft rain pattered on a lone dusty windowpane. She lay neither completely asleep nor awake, thinking numbly of Remus. One tiny light emitted a pale yellow cast over her.

How long had she been living like this? It seemed like years. By day she drudged through her work, committed, yet passionless. By night, she became a shadow, feeling neither alive nor dead, but existing in a hellish limbo.

Once a vibrant, fun loving witch, the hardness and impossibility of her current circumstance had stolen all her exuberance away. Her spirit became frozen, locked up in answerless questions. Everyday she missed him, everyday she worried for him.

The thoughts swimming in her mind ran through a track constantly, growing old and weary from wear and repeat. Where was he? Was he ok? Was he safe?

_If I could just see you  
Everything will be alright  
If I'd see you  
This darkness will turn to light  
_

Little did she know that the man she frayed over was feeling exactly the same. Remus Lupin dwelled gloomily in a house that was not his home, many miles away. He resided there as part of his mission to infiltrate and influence the werewolf community. If he could convince them to conduct themselves with reason and responsibility, he might be able to stop them from siding with Voldemort in the war. His mission was every bit as dangerous as Snape's, but oddly he felt no fear. As long as he was performing his duty to Dumbledore and the Order, he held no regrets over his fate except one.

Tonks. He had allowed himself to fall in love with her despite his constant internal reprimands that he had no right to be with her. She was so young, so beautiful, so perfect, no matter what shape she took or what she knocked over in her clumsy rampages. He hated himself for loving her so hopelessly. He hated himself for losing control and kissing her.

But hadn't she said she loved him? Hadn't she kissed him back? Yes. She did. But it didn't matter to him, if anything, it made the situation worse if the poor girl loved him. He tried to tell himself that she was confused, and that she would soon come to her senses and forget him, and find someone suitable, someone worthy of her, which he was certainly not.

It wasn't a matter of self-esteem. It was common sense. He was a werewolf. He couldn't be with her, he couldn't be with anybody. It was too much of a risk.

He paced the floor, alone in the dark house for once, grimly happy at this chance for rumination. Night had fallen hours ago. Hands behind his back, moonlight stripping his stormy face, he glowered a stare outside, where a mounting rain mirrored his mood._  
_

_And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
I know everything will be alright  
I know everything is alright _

A sudden crack of lightning made Tonks open her eyes. She wished it hadn't, she had just been starting to dream. Resentfully she rose to the window, and watched for a while as rain swirled down onto the blackened streets of Hogsmeade. She closed her eyes again and exhaled, her breath fogging a pane. So close to dreaming. That was the only time she was happy now, because it was the only place she could see him.

She wondered then, as she often did, if she was mad. His kiss haunted her pervasively. His lips seemed to have burned an impression right into her, because she could not forget. She could feel him still, every moment. He kissed her after she'd told him she loved him, then he flew. Disapperated. Poof.

Any embarrassment she felt at that was so outweighed by her concern for him that it had gone unnoticed. Her allies had told her rumors, talk that something had gone seriously wrong. Undaunted, Dumbledore believed that all was well. Everyone around her seemed convinced that no news was good news, but it wasn't bloody enough. She needed proof, she needed to hear from him and see him the same as one needs water or air, and she had neither.

The track ran statically through her head. If she were fool enough to attempt to contact him, she would only expose him further. It would do nothing to save him. She could not endanger him to quell her own fears. Hadn't it been she that put him in jeopardy in the first place? Hadn't he wagered a voyage to Hogsmeade to see her? Wasn't this all her fault in the first place?

Guilt, longing, and other all too familiar emotions drifted through her as she raised her fingertips to the cold damp glass.

Remus continued pacing on an ancient threadbare carpet. He too, felt overwhelming guilt. A young werewolf that he had convinced had acted reckless and short of sight. The imbecile had started a rebellion with a few others of the young ones, and erroneously brandished it under Greyback's nose. Naturally, they met his wrath. Luckily, some escaped alive, but Remus felt solely responsible. He had failed to convey to them that a lasting structural change would take tact, subtlety, and wits. They thought his plan would take too long. They thought quite wrong.

This new regret layered over his feelings for Tonks. He couldn't help it, and he had barely the energy to maintain the self-loathing, but he missed her. God, he missed her and he thought about her nonstop. She was his only comfort, his only light, even if he had to hate himself more for indulging in it, but he thought of her. He reminisced about her smile, her smell, her laugh. He remembered all the time they had spent together the year before. He learned so much about her, and his suspicions that she was an intelligent, kindhearted and thoughtful witch were confirmed. He missed most sincerely of all how happy she made him feel when she was near. He had had too few moments of feeling that way, his young life so heavily plagued with burden and tragedy.

At times, he remembered the way she tasted, and this delicious thought was always met with a particular twinge that he could not shake, and kept him awake at night.

_If I could just see you  
Everything will be alright  
If I'd see you __This darkness would turn to light_

Tonks also was plagued by insomnia. She couldn't help but wonder when this living nightmare was going to be over.

Her mind wandered back to last year, to a golden autumn day when Remus had walked her home. She remembered how the sun sparkled in his hair, his warm, kind smile, and his gentle, easygoing manner. She thought of how he could be lost to her.

Distressed, she clenched her fists and prayed, silent and fierce. All she wanted was to see him, or at least receive confirmation that he was preserved.

_And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
I know everything will be alright  
I know everything is alright_

Lupin, compelled suddenly, turned to his own window, his gaze seeking out the stars and finding them. He closed his eyes and invoked the appeal he prayed every night, that she be sound and safe, tonight and always.

AN- Thanks for reading, please review!


	5. Summer

Chapter Five- Summer

AN- Sorry if the last chapter was a bit of a teaser. Here's the last one, please enjoy and review! I need some feedback!

June

You can understand why I thought it was a hallucination then, when he came to my door again six months later.

Remus came back to me as unexpected as a blessing or a curse. All I remember is going meet a knock at the door, thinking it could be Savage, or anyone. But it was Remus. My knees gave way from the shock of it all almost as soon as I'd opened the door, but he swooped in and grabbed me. He steered me to my bed and sat me down. He explained to me quickly that the school was under attack.

At this, I regained some sense and went with him outside. Sure enough, there loomed the Dark Mark, visible from outside the Hog's Head, hanging menacingly over Hogwarts as unimaginably and as unpredictable as Remus showing up.

He seized my hand and set off at a dead run toward the school, pulling me along with him. I cried for him to wait, I pleaded for him to tell me what had happened. He turned back to me, the last rays of sunlight sinking into the horizon beneath him. Instead of an answer or an explanation, he yanked me to him and kissed me as hard and as desperately, if not more so, than he had done before. It seemed to last ages, and in that age, I was restored.

"There's no time!" He yelled hoarsely, "We're needed at the castle. Dora, please!" His demand, his voice, his presence, was enough to secure me in the present. We ran at top speed, side by side to the castle. Proudfoot, Savage, and Dawlish had already been alerted.

A hoard of Death Eaters had stormed the castle, courtesy of Draco Malfoy and a vanishing cabinet, as we found out later. There was a whole band of them there waiting for us, and we joined several other members of the Order of the Phoenix in a fight against them.

Seeing Remus alive and well had recharged me, and I fought them with every ounce of strength and power I had ever possessed and more. I tangled with a huge blonde bloke I had never seen before. Kids from the school including Molly's lot were there. It only incensed my growing rage to win, to protect them, the innocent.

I fought alongside my contemporaries, Remus, and the young ones alike, with a vim and vigor and resurgence as I had never known. Mad-Eye would be proud. My parents, even I was proud again. We didn't lose anybody, except...

After the battle was over and the Death Eaters had fled, we congregated in the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey as fussed as I'd ever seen her. Bill had been attacked by Greyback. And despite the possibility of him becoming wolfish, Fleur still wanted to be with him, without an ounce of hold or hesitation. I knew it wasn't the time or place, but like usual, I couldn't help myself, and I had a little outburst right there in the hospital wing.

Fleur didn't care, and I told him I didn't care either, as I'd done countless times. To my surprise, not only did everyone in the room seem to know about us, but they all seemed to be on my side. My guess is either just that I'm obvious, or that Molly is more of a gossip than I thought. Either way, it doesn't matter because it worked to my advantage. Even McGonagall said Dumbledore would have been happy for us.

Dumbledore. There's no way to say this. It's too horrifying, too unbelievable. He's dead. Dead at the hands of Snape. Nobody saw it coming, and nobody knows why. Nobody knows where the greasy git is, but we assume he's with Voldemort and his lot. I am so full of rage, I shake whenever I think of it. That bastard. Does he have any idea what he's done?

Not only are we robbed of the greatest wizard of our time, not only have we lost our greatest friend, we've lost our leader in the middle of a bloody war.

I haven't processed it yet, not on all levels. I keep thinking of this time when I had gotten in so much trouble hurling dungbombs or something (I was up to a lot, those days) that Sprout sent me to see the Headmaster. I was young enough to be afraid. I expected to be told off, but when I got there, he just offered me some cockroach clusters and suggested I improved my aim.

He had so much humility despite his awsome power and accomplishment. We'll never see the like of him again. I loved how he added humor and lightness to every action and situation. I loved how calm and serene he was despite the adversity and evil facing us. He always made me feel like everything was going to be ok no matter what.

Remarkably, outside the hospital wing, we both put our grief on hold. Amazingly, something more important was about to happen. And again, I was not able to restrain myself.

We all filed outside, leaving Bill, his family and fiancé behind. Remus remained, but held his back to me. I was silent for a moment, anger boiling inside me, possibly left over rage from the fight, but more likely frustration at his obstinate stubbornness. What the hell was wrong with him? He knew I loved him, he knew I wanted him, he knew now that everyone was behind us. But he still denied me. That could only mean one hard truth; that he nether wanted me or loved me, and I had been wrong all this time in believing that he had.

Struggling to meet that cruel reality, hot tears came to my eyes, and instead of confronting him like I wanted to, I turned to walk away.

"Nymphadora, wait!" he implored.

"For the last bloody time, it's TONKS!" I screamed at him, losing it completely. I couldn't take it anymore, it was too insane. I made to run away, but he was too fast. He grabbed my wrists and pulled me to him.

"How about I call you mine?" He whispered roughly. Our eyes locked, mine full of wet, unshed tears, his as I'd never seen them. They were positively burning. "Do you really want me, Dora? Do you truly want to be with me?"

"Yes," I moaned, the sound coming out strangled.

"Why? Why, girl? I've nothing to offer you, I've nothing that you deserve." I've never heard his voice sound so harsh. It frightened me, honestly, as much as it excited me.

"You do!" I managed to protest, not even sure my voice would work at all.

"What?" He growled.

"You."

I said it meekly, sure that he would laugh and walk away, but his reaction was quite different. I could see a difference in his eyes, like a cloud had passed. I felt a difference in his hold, it was no longer sharp and biting, his grip had softened, and he then held my arms gingerly.

Taking full advantage of this sudden disarmament, I pushed on. "I just want you, I don't care about gold, or any of that, please, Remus..." I drew nearer to him and laced my arms over his broad shoulders, I ran my hands through his silver streaked hair. Unconsciously I pressed my body to him. He exhaled roughly.

"You know I don't deserve you." His voice was course and hoarse. He linked his arms around me, and despite his humble protests, I could see his resolve and defense crumbling all around him. I wanted to tell him that he did deserve me, but I knew it wasn't the moment, so I opted for a different tack.

"But I deserve you, Remus, I love you." I felt myself getting hot, my skin burning.

"Gods, Dora, I love you too, you've no idea.."

I felt my legs becoming weak again, and I'm sure I wouldn't have been able to stand if he hadn't been holding me. His musky, sandalwood smell surrounded me, incapacitating me further.

I managed to say, meaning my voice to come out strong, but it was a whimper, "Then show me. Be with me. Nothing is stopping us but you." I knew I was pushing it, even if it was going well, but it seemed to be all the motivation he needed, because he finally drew down and kissed me.

God, he tastes so good.

It was nothing at like our earlier kisses, the first being chaste and light, the second being fierce, and the third desperate. This one was sweet, spiritual, and forever. His lips were soft, and they caressed mine with such delicate, penetrating passion that I will never, never forget.

After a long while, our lips parted, and he suggested that we return to headquarters. We had a lot to talk about, and we did, but not until after a good long cuddle and snog back at his old room in Grimauld Place.

I'm moving back in there, we both are, for now. Except now we share a room.

We did talk, we talked for a very long time. He told me of where he'd been and what he'd been doing for the Order. He told me of the unsuccessful rebellion. All the while, he held me close, so close it made me dizzy. It was strange to be that near to him after being so far away for so long, but I loved every minute of it.

God, he said he loved me. I knew it! I bloody knew it!

He told me all his fears, everything that had been holding him back from being with me. I bit my tongue not to say it was all rubbish. He told me how he didn't want to be with me because he'd thought I deserved someone better, but I managed to convince him that what I deserve is what I want, and what I want is him.

I also drove home the point that he does deserve me because he is intelligent, talented, and good-natured. I told him that being a werewolf did not make him a shred less worthy, and that he had faced discrimination for so long, he had probably taken too much of it to heart. I also pointed out that after suffering so much loss, we both deserved happiness. I told him, he didn't know, that Sirius had always rooted for us. That seemed to satisfy him.

It took a while to convince him totally, but we talked over everything, up into the minutest detail.

His biggest fear is that he will bite me. I've blown it off before, thinking who cares if he gets fuzzy once a month, but I've taken the problem more seriously than I ever have before, and even just me being serious about it seemed to quell him. I guess he thought I was taking it too lightly. I told him that we will take every precaution. He will take Wolfsbane every month. Slughorn's been brewing it for him, and he can continue to do so until one of us masters it. If we have too, we'll build a cage, I don't care. It's only once a month, anyway.

His second greatest fear is that he is too poor. I did my best to remind him that we are not living in medieval times, when a man was expected to support a woman totally. I brought up a lot of good points, I think, that my ministry wages with his combined would be enough. I underlined strongly that I did not want, or expect, to live in luxury, and that what I wanted most was him anyway. He kissed me at that.

I also brought up Molly and Arthur, and how they'd managed to raise seven children and live happily, all on one income. And why? Because they love each other, as we do.

I could see how he was falling to my persuasive and airtight arguments.

His last fear was that he was too old. I told him that because I was prone to being clumsy, I needed someone older and more experienced to help me, to guide me. I convinced him that it was not a problem, but a strength in our relationship that he added so much wisdom and maturity.

The last, and the most quiet of his fears was children. He was afraid that if he had offspring, they would also bear the affects of lycanthropy. He thought that if I was with him, I would be giving away my chance for "normal" children. I reminded him gently that I wasn't so normal either. Still, having kids is something I never really considered before. Unprepared to make this argument, I appealed to him that I wouldn't mind having a lot of multi-coloured kinfolk, feeling that was way too off in the future to even worry about at all.

Though I never thought about having his children, (just getting him in the first place was my main obstacle) but the idea that Remus has considered them with me is heartwarming.

I've given thought to the possibility of our kin being born with lycanthropy. What I've decided is that no child is born perfect, just as no child will grow up in a perfect world, without challenges or adversary. However, they would have two parents who would love them and die for them, and that's the most any parent can offer their child.

At the end of our long talk, which lasted until the morning birds started singing, the rosy fingers of dawn had crept into our embrace.

Exhausted totally from the longest day of our lives, we fell asleep on his bed, wrapped tightly in each other's arms.

His touch completes me, as I never dared to expect.

July 

That day, I'm still amazed how we were able to put grieving for Dumbledore on hold so we could have that whole catharsis.

His funeral was the saddest event I've ever been to and ever hope to attend. I was touched not only by how many people showed up, but also the diversity of the attendants overall. Wizards from all over the world came, including the lot for Beauxbatons. Even the merpeople and the centaurs paid tribute in turn.

Remus held my hand, and we shared our grief.

We also share a room now. That is quite a leap from spending every night alone, wondering where he is. Quite a wonderful leap.

I don't even know how to describe it to you now. I am blessed enough presently to spend ever day with him doing our good work for the Order, and every night in bliss.

Each evening, we lay together and he holds me like he means to keep me safe with his last breath. Like he will be devoted to me until his dying day and beyond. I can feel how much he loves me and cares for me when we're together. It's tangible, palpable.

The morning after the first night we made love, (which was bloody fantastic!) I woke to find that I had regained the ability to morph. I shrieked with delight, and spent nearly an hour in front of the mirror changing my face around, and trying to pick a hair colour to wear. I went with pink, it's such a classic. Remus laughed heartily with me, both of us pleased at my recovery.

I knew it. I bloody knew it would be this good. That's why I held on so long. I knew I was meant for him, and him for me, and it's been every bit as wonderful as I thought it would be and more.

I've owled my closed friends with the news, and they are happy for me.

God, I've wanted this so long, it's a dream come true, a dream realized in the middle of a bloody war. Who'd have guessed it?

He asked me the other day, if I would go to Bill and Fleur's wedding with him as his girlfriend. Naturally, I accepted.

So it's all official now. We are together.

But in the background of our new joy, danger lurks omnipresent. Dumbledore is still dead, and the threat of Voldemort still looms.

I'm ready. I'm ready to fight, and face the next day no matter what it brings. As long as I have Remus by my side, we can do anything together.

Yours forever,

N. Tonks

AN- HOORAY, it's finished!! Did you like it?

IF I do a third installment, it will be called Return of the Private Journal. The possibility of a third installment will depend on Tonk's involvement in the seventh book, how much time I have to write, and how much of a demand there is for RLNT.

Enjoy the last book and REVIEW!!!!


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